Sunday, September 12, 2010

Through the Vicissitudes in life, I am Never Truly Alone

A Happy Sunday to you, Aspierations Friends! (or whatever day you may be happening in on this blog)

If any of you out there were wondering what happened to me over the past couple of weeks, thank you.  It's nice to know that people out there care, even if we've never met or haven't seen each other in a very long time.

Truth be known, I've thought about writing here many times but wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it and still be sincere to myself.  I wasn't in the mood to do fluff pieces and I didn't want to dishonor or disrespect anyone I cared about who was also going through a difficult time.

We all have "life stuff" and "relationship stuff" that comes up.  Sometimes it comes up with a shock, sometimes it's stuff that has been building for a long time.  We all have our own baggage, and although it's nice when we can have a day we fly through feeling light and carefree, sometimes the weight of what is in our carry-ons can tumble us backwards and onto our bottom.  Three steps forward, two steps forward, six steps back.  Dust yourself off, get back up again.  Try to move without the weights dragging. This is especially true when it is a weight we primarily carry ourselves and have no-one that knows us personally that is also removed from a particular situation to share with.

Lately I've been carrying a lot of excess weight (emotionally and physically) that I haven't been able to truly talk about without feeling emotional, depressed, betrayed or frustrated.  There are a couple people who genuinely care about me and in theory I should be able to talk to but I hesitate to put them in that kind of position to reveal information which might also pain them and alter their own realities. So what to do? Who to talk to?  Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to blogging I go...  (and after that, I'll have a heart to heart with God!)

I tend to be the kind of person who protects those I love and care about to a fault.  People can get away with a lot with me and although I do not like being hurt, betrayed or lied to, I am the kind of person who has faith in the good in people and I have a tendency to give lots of second chances.  In my life, I try to trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them.  Then I tend to forgive and give out that trust again.

I'm not sure if that means I'm naive, loving, faithful, too trusting or a martyr but I do my best to practice forgiveness with others and am working on it for myself.  If God can forgive those that are truly sorry and want to make change, then I can try to as well.  

That being said, I don't like being taken advantage of and I hate it when people give apologies that are insincere or contain words but no action.  Then history repeats itself over and over again.  I tend to still accept the apology but the more often the forgiven incident occurs again, the more I question the sincerity behind subsequent apologies.

It hurts to be betrayed and lied to, especially when honesty, integrity and accountability is such an integral part of one's character.  I try to be loyal, honest, faithful and show respect to those I come into contact with because I believe this is the right thing to do, it's a good way to try and live life and it is also how I hope to be treated.  Now granted, everyone is fallible but I believe there is a certain code of moral ethics that one should strive to adhere to no matter what their religious affiliation. I realize that others out there sometimes wear masks as I do and everyone has their secrets and things they keep to themselves. Some things it really does make sense to keep private.  Other things as they become revealed can become greater moral dilemmas.

You know what is really tough?  When one is struggling with something internally and they feel like they're going through it alone because the "in real life" circle that is around them has a misconstrued, fictionalized and/or false perception of that person's reality.  It's not due to lack of honesty on the struggler's part.  Part of this may be due to how a person's family and friends looks at things philosophically.  (i.e. naive realism, representative realism, idealism)  Part of it is personality make-up, what is going on in their lives, how much they're invested or interested in you...  it's a very complex dynamic to try and explain.

Hmm... I know where I am going with this in my head but I'm not sure how to convey it to you.  Yes, that's part of the whole problem.  It's in here.  I don't know how to get it out there.  Writer's block. Emotional block. Who will care enough to try and listen and understand?  I know there are people out there who can relate but will they be the ones reading my blog and if so, will they want to respond?

I apologize if this particular blog posting doesn't specialize in specifics, give examples or anecdotes or provide a clear direction as to what I'm talking about.  I'm sure many of you are curious what is going on in my mind to have prompted me to write all this.

Let's just say that giving specifics to what's really bothering me in my life right now would do no purpose but to potentially hurt and confuse others.  Plus there are people out there with less than nice intent that do not have my best interests in mind and would take enjoyment in watching me crash and fail. Fortunately the vast majority of my Aspierations blog friends are cool people and I keep you guys and gals in my prayers every day.

I like to sleep in and I didn't get to bed until really late last night.  Sometimes I'll admit on Sundays, when I'm really sleepy, I am tempted to want to play hooky and get some extra rest but after a few minutes of self-talk, I get my buns out of bed and head off with my family to a local church here in Vancouver.

When I was in church today, I was hoping to hear a message and feel something inside of me that would help provide strength, hope, compassion and inspiration.  Lately church has been a bit awkward.  They're going through change and currently have a transitional pastor.  The music has been different.  There has been a different feel to the whole place.  Quite frankly, I've never felt like I really belonged as a part of this particular church body but at the same time, I still knew I belonged "there" (at church) because it gave me a chance to worship God, to question and strengthen my faith and to give my children a chance to be exposed to the love and grace of God.

Even though in my personal life, I am currently going through struggles and strife, what I need to keep remembering is that I am never ever truly alone because God is always with me.

Through the vicissitudes in life, (vicissitudes, say it three times fast!) God is with us.  Today I seek him and hope that as I seek Him he will find me and bring me back from the captivity that I tend to place myself in.  May he see into my heart and know my intentions, renew my strength, renew my faith and allow me to let my light shine bright once again and brighter each coming day.

Today I come to my Aspierations blog friends as a woman with many blessings and a family I love very dearly.  I do not take that for granted.  In order to be true to myself when I blog, I need to come as I am and on days like this, when I'm feeling pretty isolated, I realize that my faith will continue to bring me through.  

Other blogs will be different.  Some will be funny, some will be anecdotal, some will be reflective, some will be informational, some will be inspiring, some may cause perspiring.... but I will do my best to have my Aspierations postings come from a true part of me.  I can't truly let my light shine if I'm not being true to my essence and the causes which are important in my life.

Thanks for stopping by, Aspierations friends!  Next time I blog, I'll give you a catch-up on family events such as Ryan's first day of his 2nd year of preschool, Justin's positive progress in middle school and life in the Krejchasphere.

Would love to hear your comments if you feel so inclined.  I can also be reached at lettingmylightshine@gmail.com

Blessings, Happiness and Friendship,
Karen / Kayleigh

5 comments:

  1. A few years ago I had a situation where my ex-wife did something which devastated me. At the time I blamed myself because as a man with Aspergers, I thought I couldn't provide her what she needed. She was good at telling me that too. Your blog struck a chord because I didn't think I had anyone to talk to either back then. I realized that for 12 years I excused or covered up lies, "Miss-takes" (as she would call them) or indescretions so as to not separate the girls from both parents. Her family thought she could do no wrong and had no idea what a verbally abusive an insenstiive person she would be behind the picket fence. Volunteer at church and school, friends with women but behind the scenes a really bad gossip and hypocrit. They didn't like me much I suppose even though I gave their daughter and sister a good home, fidelity and almost anything she wanted financially. They thought my growing coldness was because I was wired wrong but it was because I lost myself living a life of being swallowed by her oceans of lies. Sadly when it came time to divorce she lied and said I was the one in the wrong. Because I couldn't feel like she could feel, she should have full custody of the children. The girls got separated from their daddy and now she lives a life of luxury with someone else. I live day to day wondering whether I and other Aspergians can ever have a real relationship with an NT, disclosing ourselves and being accepted. I find most NT women very catty. Aspergerian women don't seem to care that way and it is a redeeming quality. Aspergerian men are usually not catty at all.

    I am rooting for you. I don't know you or your situation or which way it will go but I am rooting for you as a person.

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  2. Good to see you back. I missed your humor, your heart, your happy smile. If I were a betting man, I'd reckon others did too. Who is with me? Aww, don't worry about them, lots of lazies 'round these parts that don't know how to post a comment.

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  3. Missed you too... and I get what you're cryptically saying... you're really not that different from the rest of us... I tend to share myself so freely and openly with those I love but not everyone can handle the raw truth... few people can actually. Relationships are tough and we each bring strengths/weaknesses and we all face crisis points where we have to somehow try to get back on course. Good luck to you as you continue to make your way. Love your blogs... the good, the bad and the ugly ones!

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  4. Hi, Karen,
    Yes you were missed, but you also need to take time be away if that's what you need to do and we understand. We'll be here when you get back. And we all are rooting for you and love you.
    Will keep you in my prayers!

    Big hugs!
    June

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  5. Wow... thank you so much Anonymous #1, #2, #3 and June for your words of encouragement, humor, love, faith and personal sharing. When I finally hit the publish button on my blog (after a gazillion revisions), I immediately wondered whether or not to delete it. I'm glad I didn't. THANK YOU for your friendship, your kindness and your willingness to take time from your own busy life to not only read my ramblings but to comment in such a thoughtful, caring way.

    Anonymous 1: Betrayal by a spouse or significant other, especially when kids are involved is very painful. Everyone loses. I am so sorry to hear you had to endure what sounded like years of relationship pain and wish I had the right thing to say back to you. I do hope that you have the opportunity for a bonding relationship with your daughters because they need to know you as who you are, letting your light shine. Thank you for rooting for me. I will root for you as well.

    Anonymous 2: Thanks for your kind words and for noticing my absence. You gave me a laugh thinking about the visual of "lots of lazies 'round these parts". I wouldn't say that Aspierations visitors are lazy since reading my posts can take quite some time but your humor and kindness made me smile nonetheless, I reckon!

    Anonymous 3: Thank you for missing me and thank you for enjoying my blogs and admitting to it! It means a tremendous deal that you let me know you get what I'm saying. (You are a rare person indeed!) I remember you posting before and appreciate you coming back. Your kindness and well wishes regarding me making my way have made a sincere impact. I appreciate the reassurance and continuing words of wisdom. Those you love are very lucky and blessed to have you in their lives. Of course, the Clint Eastwood movie reference you provided at the end is just a bonus! Gotta appreciate Clint! :-)

    June: You are always so kind! Hope that teaching is going well! Thanks for your note to me and your comment to share with Justin on my earlier blog. He is making great strides and I'll write about that soon! I appreciate your thoughts, big hugs and prayers!

    *** Hugs, happiness, hope and aspierations come true to all of you! Karen ***

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