Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Wednesday, Today You Were A Pain In The Behind! *EDITED on Thursday*

Hi Aspierations Friends!
It's a weird Wednesday.  Sigh...  Time for a reality check assessment again!  :-)

I will hopefully be back blogging for you soon.  I've been trying again to work on another major blog project and Silent Auction for Count Your Beans but I have been running into a multitude of glitches and technology issues in the past 48 hours both with Blogger and possibly my own system too.  I contemplated throwing my computer out the window but that just strikes me as a tad immature and a bit expensive!

I'm allowing myself a 30 minute break here to blog to you and for therapeutic stress relief because I've been working consistently Monday, yesterday and today on work projects and in between that, I've also worn my hats as Mom, family mediator, referee and Entertainment Co-Director.  Just another day in the Krejcha household!

We kept the kids out of Day Camp this week to give them a bit of a break since there had been a few issues with both which I won't get into right this moment.  Let's just say that camp was a fairly good fit for one but not the other.  Unfortunately with both kids at home during the day, trying to run the family business simultaneously becomes a major challenge since the kids want to hang out in our home office and also want us to play with them.



I put these pictures in here to remind me of how much I want to be playing with them too!  




I love my kids tremendously and like giving quality time individually to them each day but this week, I really have a lot of work to get done and I need to try and raise some money since we're going to be going to California for about a week in August to celebrate my Dad's 80th birthday.  

That means our office will be closed for about a week and a half and when we're closed, there is no income and it puts an awful lot of pressure on me to make up for it before and afterwards.  The kids don't get this and I don't expect them to nor do I want them to have to worry about money at their age.  John tries to be supportive but he leaves all that stuff to me because it isn't something he cares to do.  (Sort of like, I don't care to bring out stinky garbage!)

Although I am happy for his sake that he doesn't feel this stress or take on the burden and I totally appreciate all the incredible roles he does play in the family, I wish sometimes he would understand how difficult it is to be a provider, Mom to two kids with special needs, an advocate for my children and self, a good wife, a loving family member, a person with goals and dreams to reach and a person who is on the autism spectrum with health issues of her own.

It is easy for me to advocate for those who I love but sometimes, I just want to be able to step up and say, I need some extra help here too.  I don't want to make my husband feel bad or incompetent in any way or disrespect him.  I know that we are so very different in the way we think, live and act that I'm lucky that I have him so I do everything I can to try and keep that relationship strong.  I believe that God won't give me more than I can handle.  I just wish that sometimes I had a better line on how to handle it!  That's where prayer, optimism, hope and faith come in.

I guess you can say that John and I have non-traditional family roles. I built our business (although we are now co-owners together) and handle all the website design, auctions, marketing, listings, blogging, receipts, payment confirmations, most of the social networking and the majority of the emails and customer service.  John handles all the shipping, phone calls, some of the emails and some of the customer service.  He does a lot with the business and is a very hard worker and a very busy person but unfortunately he doesn't know much about the technology side of the business and quite frankly, I need some extra assistance or guidance and just don't have it. (I'm sure John feels similarly when it comes to cooking and domestic stuff!)

When it comes to home life, I handle all the finances and John takes care of almost all the domestic stuff like cooking, washing clothes and taking out the garbage.  I have some sensory issues and it really works out well that way.  I totally am very lucky and appreciative that he does these things but there are days I feel like less of a "woman" or "Mom" because I don't.

We have gardeners who help with our outside lawn care and every other week we pay a maid service to come in and help straighten things up.  Truth be known, we could use this daily with all the spills but then again, I'm sure most houses with kids, special needs or not can relate!

Financially, I have contemplated at times getting rid of both services and trying to do it ourselves but the opportunity cost of the time lost during the time it would take is a much higher overall expense.  Sometimes you just cannot do it all so you have to prioritize.

I am pretty sure we have atypical family roles and I wonder if that happens much in families where the wife is an Aspie, the husband is Neuro-Typical or even if the husband is on the autism spectrum and the wife is NT.

As an aside, it really hurt my feelings a few weeks ago when John was on the phone with a family member on speaker-phone (with the kids listening) who out of the blue (ON SPEAKERPHONE) said it was a good thing I wasn't a single mother because I would never be able to handle it.  Instead of defending me, John just didn't want to rock the boat so he responded to the other person complimenting her on her own skills and fortitude.  I told him later I was very hurt by it and asked if he would address the issue and defend my honor but I realize now that was not fair of me to ask.  Sometimes you just have to let things go for the sake of keeping peace. Some issues will just go unresolved.  (This is something I have a lot of trouble dealing with because I am one who is always willing to communicate, work things out and try to make things right.)

For the record, I don't want to be a single Mom with two kids on the spectrum trying to run a business too but if that was ever the situation I was faced with, I would definitely be able to handle it because I would go to the ends of the earth and back to make sure my family was provided for.

For as long as I can remember in our marriage, I have been the one to take care of the bills, try to set goals and try to encourage us and keep things moving forward.  John played a different role and it was always equally as important in my eyes. John worked for a number of years for a variety of companies but once Lucent downsized, he came home and decided to work Count Your Beans with me.  I honestly couldn't run the business without him and he is not just my partner in marriage and parenting but my partner in work.  Unfortunately we come at things from such different angles and have such different operating systems that we often don't have the right interface to keep things from crashing.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm just so frustrated with myself. (Not anyone else but me!) I guess I'm just having a bit of a rough day and doing a little venting.  Why not here in a safe environment?  Come as I am...  I try to stay positive on the whole but I'm not a Pollyanna and some days are just ones that need a great primal scream!!!!!!

Sometimes I just wish that I feel like I didn't have so much pressure on myself to be SuperMom, SuperWife, SuperEntrepreneur, SuperFinance Queen and SuperMediator.  I know it is self-placed.  I have always been an overachiever, always been hard on myself.  Some days, I wish I could just be Mom and work with my kids and work on Aspierations.  Some days I wish John had "entrepreneur" in his blood the way I do.  But you know, that wouldn't make him who he is and I love him and accept him unconditionally for who he is, where he is at this point in time.

Sometimes I wish I had more days I had time to focus on being proactive rather than reactive.  I wish I could be partner instead of mediator, family counselor or judge.  I wish I had better skills and more time in the day to do it all.

It's been a really challenging past few years since we moved here and there are days when I just wish I didn't feel like I was the only one responsible for having to figure things out for the family.  I know it is self-imposed pressure but it is also reality.  If you think that sounds like I'm complaining, I don't mean it to be. I don't want anyone to misinterpret my words so I think I'll just stop here and head down to dinner and then back to work.

Better to be proactive than reactive, so I will work on that this evening despite feeling that it has been a VERY reactive day work and family wise!  I'm sure things will be better again soon!

Earlier today, I visited a blog where there was a question from a Mom who asked for suggestions on how to cope in the moment when you feel like you want to tear your hair out and you have a lot of stress going on.

I answered to her that for me, having a music playlist you can go to really helps.  Whether you need an upbeat song to get your heart pumping and your body motivated, an inspirational song to remind you all you are blessed with, some tranquil music to provide some peace or just your favorite songs you can turn to for comfort, music has the power to change a mood!

I think I'll take my own advice, put on some headphones while I go back to work, play "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield a few times, pump myself up with some 80s music and inspirational music and maybe even sing a Christmas Carol or two.  :-)

Just thinking about it is cheering me up already!


Anyone willing to help me fit my puzzle piece back in?  :-)

Thanks for stopping by!  Thanks for accepting me for who I am, where I come to you today.  Just like you, I am continually on a life journey and some days the path is rougher than others.  Some days it is smooth.

I appreciate that I can blog to you no matter what kind of day I've had!  

**Edit on Thursday, July 22nd - I had an email today from someone in the extended family who I am sure thought meant well.  This person was concerned that I had perhaps embarrassed or humiliated my husband on my blog and hurt his feelings with what I said above.  I felt so sad after reading the email because nothing is further from the truth and I was so sorry I had given this person an impression that was incorrect.  Did that mean others thought the same?

I realize that I may not express myself the way that others do and that some people do not think it is appropriate for me to disclose so much.  I realize that probably the majority of people out there don't get me or my writing.  It's been that way my whole life.  That's one reason I started my blog was to be able to show that it's okay to be different, to be diverse and to live life a different way than others.  To this person, I respect where you're coming from for your own life.  The reason I am posting this here and not to you directly is that I don't want others to have the same misinterpretation and think as such that I am a bad person or do not love my husband.  

The thing is, that John has read my blog.   It's not a secret.  I read it to him as well.  He wasn't hurt or humiliated.  He understood my using blogging as an outlet and "got me" and the way I wrote.  It is exactly his ability to do so that has allowed us to be married for 18 years.  

That also means that we have the strength and courage to also be able to admit and talk about when things are rough.  It's who we are and it helps us work things out.  If that bothers some, it is not my intention and I felt I needed to put in a disclaimer here to say that I love my husband very much and that my blog was not written with an emotion of anger in any way except perhaps at Blogger for being a PITA!  :-)  If he had any type of problem with anything I had written, I would have been happy to edit it or pull it down. But he didn't.  He understood, got it and got me.  

I don't know how to write so that everyone out there properly interprets what I say.  I'm sorry if I offended anyone.  I just have to be able to have some sort of way to let me be me without censorship.  I would never intentionally try to do anything to damage my wonderful Krejcha family unit.  I would hope that anyone who really knew me and got me would realize the true essence of my character.  Unfortunately, since the only people that really know me are extremely few, it is highly likely that many will misunderstand.

The thing about the written word is that it is so prone to intrepretation.  I embrace the opportunity to have dialogue with my Aspierations visitors.  If you have a question about the way I word something or how it was intended, please feel free to leave a comment on my blog because that is an excellent way to be able to communicate without misunderstandings.  Get to know me.  I may surprise you.

Wow...  again, I'm sorry to anyone who took how I wrote in a way other than intended but I do think that if my husband has read it, is cool with it and embraces my freedom of speech, that should be enough?  

I'm so sorry if I offended anyone or hurt anyone in any way.  I am writing a special blog tonight (Thursday) which will hopefully clarify things.  I invite you to visit and understand the meaning behind my blog and my interpretation of "Come As You Are.... Let Your Light Shine".

Thanks for listening!

As always, I welcome your feedback here in the comments section.  Anonymously or not, I'm willing to answer any questions you have.

Karen

6 comments:

  1. Hey K,

    I know you had a hard day. Boo to Blogger and the whole Website. I wish I was more Techy so I could solve your issues. You know me, Mr. Fix it.

    I am here for you. I really enjoyed watching our shows last night and we had a really good day today (Thursday)at OMSI. I look forward to snuggling again tonight.

    You are my Rock and I am your Harbor.

    Your Love,

    Johnny Cat

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  2. Thanks John!

    The last thing I wanted anyone to think was that I was disrespecting you or trying to hurt your feelings. Now, I may occasionally give you a little kick in the behind but I hope you would do the same for me too!

    You are to techy as I am to domestic-y.

    That doesn't mean I won't kid around or joke (i.e. "Criminal Minds gift"). You won't get off that easily, mister!

    The day at OMSI with the kids was awesome.
    Thanks!
    Karen

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  3. It was a great day.

    I Love your writing and if I have a problem with it. I will let you know. : )

    I was not hurt in any way. I Love You.

    Johnny Cat

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  4. I did not read what you wrote negatively if that helps provide any solace. In most instantces is not anyone's place to pass judgement on your marriage makeup and if they do, it should be solicited. Your abilities to open yourself up gives others freedom to do the same and to see that marriages between two very kinds of people can exist. The structure may be different than textbook traditional marriage but looking at traditional textbook divorce rates, who needs it? If what you are doing works then do not stop. I wish my marriage had worked but I was selfish and controling and had little life experience back then. I have better skills and compassion now and someday I hope to share those. Keep advocating. Your stories should be shared and do not let anyone else try to convince you to not be you. Sometimes those who say to be quiet think they have the best of intentions but really are living dillusionally or trying to control you or make you fit in their world instead of your own. Control and power and comfort and discomfort. Do not let anyone take your power away. As you say to us, I say back to you, come as you are, let your light shine.

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  5. I come to your blog regularly and you are never out of line, hon. You are an inspiration and your openness in talking about such a misunderstood and complex disorder, especially when it comes to women is a breath of fresh air. I can tell you try really very hard to please people and not hurt feelings. You are trying to fit very hard into a situation where you will not be able to please everyone. If those people are family then it is really tough because you cannot get away from it as easily as if it were just some anonymous commenteer. Live your life, hon. Listen to your God. Trust yourself. It got you this far through some major obstacles. If family won't jump on board then it is their loss. Do not change to appease them. Be you. HUGS!

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  6. Thank you so much Chris and Shelley for taking the time to comment on my blog.

    I appreciate you sharing your opinions with me. Both of you provided me quite a bit of comfort and reassurance. I wish you both the very best and hope you will come back and comment on my blog again in the future should you feel inclined to do so.

    I realize I have a long way to go in making quality connections with other people but I really do try here to set the stage for that to happen.

    Although I was upset and confused, I am actually grateful in a small way that the person who wrote to me did because it reminded me that I have to be extra careful in how I choose my words sometimes.

    If anyone ever has any question about how I write something, please feel free to ask me how I meant it if it seems unclear. (For example, "xxxxxx came across to me sounding a little harsh. Is that what you intended?")

    Thanks again for your support! I encourage meaningful dialogue of substance! :)

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